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I can't seem to forget him, so please try to forget me. And stop trying to make me feel better.
The truth is, it'll never be you. It maybe could've been, if you'd gotten to me first, but I'm smarter now. And too busy now. And looking for other things now. So it's harsh, but you know it and I know it and it's the truth. And friends deserve the truth.
I'm sorry.
I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better. So many people are hurting over so many things, and I'm helplessly watching from the sidelines.
I shouldn't have left her alone that night. I shouldn't have interfered with their relationship. I should know the rights things to say and do. Are there right things to say and do in this situation?
I google. I google to cope, to make sure that I'm not the only one who's had to deal, to reassure myself that the reactions of myself and others are "normal." So I google search term after search term, hoping for an absolute answer and a perfect road map.
Funny, I had several conversations today about my belief in the *inexistence* of absolute truths. Those are ouch too. It drives me crazy, hearing unintended personal judgements in grand statements of the nature of morality. I keep looking for clues as to what went wrong, keep looking for that "closure" when I know it probably doesn't exist. But this post isn't about me.
I also have all sorts of little rants/theories of relationship stuff and kind of want to write them down/consolidate them at some point... =D
I wish being "just friends" wasn't so hard. I wish the timing was better, all around, and I wish I was over it all. I wish I could be who you think I am.
I'm sorry.
Anger, crying, sick to stomach, questioning. Odd for someone who's been planning to end it for months.
At times, I feel as though I'm standing five feet away and checking off what I go through on a rubric.
Gone With the Wind is a great movie.
I hate that people are still hurting, and I can't do anything to make it better. I hate that I don't know what to do or say. I hate that I know I shouldn't push to make everything happy again. I hate that I don't know how to deal with any emotion that's not complete happiness.
I hate that the littlest things remind me of him. I hate that I still haven't been able to say "RIP". I hate that I don't want to let go, in case I start forgetting. I hate that I think I've already started forgetting some things.
I hate that he's gone.
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Nathan Robinson died on March 14, and I still miss him every day. A random phrase or place, or image will make me think of a hundred half-forgotten memories of him. My English teacher was talking about epithet's the other day. It make me think of "epitome". Nate and I used to talk about how "epitome" sounded so much better as epi-tome than as e-pit-o-me.
I had a dream last night, where every single guy I knew was a complete and utter ass. Even Derek had turned awful. (Which I know will never happen, but still.) In my dream, I kept thinking, "Where's Nate? I need him here." He was good. That's the best word to describe him, good.
He used to be one of the first people there, waiting for math class. I always went and talked to him. Now there's nobody, and I realize he's not there every day. There's nobody to make funny faces at me after a test. Ms. Lane told the class his grade on Friday. He had only gotten two points off the entire term. I used to be jealous of how easily it came to him, wished I could be like him. Now I just wish he could be here.
I can't say RIP. He can't really be gone, so he shouldn't be resting. He's vacationing. He's eating bacon, straight from that bacon press he spent 20 min telling me about once, in South Africa, which is why he hasn't communicated, cuz he can't get to a computer.
The worst part is, I'm not even hurting the most. I know people who had known him for so much longer, and so much better. And I want to help them. I want to fix this, wave a magic wand and make it all better. But how do you make something like this better? How do you help other people when you're hurting so badly yourself?
I cried for hours once when I thought I couldn't help one friend. This is so much worse. Because this isn't the only thing. Life goes on, and other people get hurt because of other things. Why does this happen? Why is the world doing awful things like this. I can't believe in God, because I can't believe that any sentient being would allow people to feel this much pain. I know how people look down on utopias as awful, too strict ideals. But, is it so wrong to want everyone to be happy? I just want to take away the pain. I wish I knew how.
- Mood:
indescribable
Honors Math
Honors English
Honors History
Honors Chem
Honors French
Honors Chinese
Photo Minor
PE in Early Childhood
Lifetime
Watch out for the tearful panic attacks next year.
1. Will Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean
2. Edward Cullen from the Twilight series
3. Jacob Black from the Twilight series
4. Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice
5. Paul Slater from the Mediator series
6. Legolas from Lord of the Rings (but only the movie, heh)
7. Fiyero! (I can't believe I forgot him) from Wicked, the musical, and as played by David Burnham, the currant Fiyero on Broadway. ;)
8. Draco Malfoy from... well do I really have to tell you? (I know, I know, he's whiny and annoying, but it's the whole blond thing. *giggle and hair twirl*)
9. Kevin Doyle from 27 Dresses
10. Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind
11. Lucifer from Sachi's as of yet untitled story
12. Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars
13. Robert Chase from House (I'm so upset that the only screen time he gets now is while he's all covered up in surgery!)
14. Mark Sloan from Grey's Anatomy
15. Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl
16. Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
17. Booth from Bones
18. Simba from the Lion King (but only in French)
...and that's all that I can think of right now. But there's probably more.
Oh, and when I don't like actual fictional characters? Yeah, real life crushes are kind of impossible for me too. As in, actually illegal. See, I have this teensy little thing for the student teacher in my art class...
So, let's sum up the list?
5 of them aren't actually human. Including two vampires, a werewolf (though I guess he's human half the time...), an elf, and a lion.
Out of the ones that are human, two of them have supernatural powers. Like, being able to see the dead for instance.
3 aren't from this time period. (Time machine anyone?) Well, 5 if you count the vamps, but I don't.
9 are super arrogant. (Not even going to think about what issues that implies)
2 doctors
Yup, I most definitely have issues.
John Edwards and Guiliani dropped out of the presidential race. So that leaves Romney, McCain, Obama, and Clinton. And then there were four. Oh wait, is Huckabee still in?
On a brighter note, Ginormous Eyebag Guy dropped out of the running for President! (His actual name is Fred Thompson, but I'll always fondly think of him as Ginormous Eyebag Guy.) Seriously though, have you SEEN the bags under his eyes? I don't know how you could miss them...
- Mood:
shocked
Oh sure, if I try, I can get attention. Yeah, people will hear me. But otherwise? I just fade into the background.
I guess a part of it is how much a follow the rules. Ok, sure, I have my littler "rebellions"- not doing my math homework (that doesn't even get checked), cutting class (but only that one useless class last year where they didn't take attendance, and even then it was with the hall pass.) But when it comes to other things, actual important things, I play by the rules. I'm the type of person who colors right up to a line, but doesn't quite cross it. So the result is a seemingly perfectly, effortlessly, colored in picture. I sometimes wonder what would happen if the picture ripped.
So I get good grades. But they're nothing exceptional. How many other people in each class get the same, if not better, grades? So who can really blame the teachers for not noticing me? They're focused on the other kids. The ones who are failing, or are loud and disruptive enough to make the teacher notice.
Sometimes, I wish I had the courage to really do what I want. I'm a freshman in high school, I have options. Right now, my life would basically involve forever working so make the grades I need to get into a "good" college, by my parents' standards. I could do it. I could be That Girl. The one you always see lugging around the giant SAT book.
Or maybe I could be completely social. Maybe, I could be one of those followers, the ones who do everything their friends do. I could end up as the personality-less clone.
Or maybe, I could be the underachiever. Do things my own way. I could spend my time doing things important to me, not other people.
*sigh* But I know what I'll choose. I'll choose to stick to the path I'm on now, because I play by the rules.
- Mood:
melancholy
So Sachi's post about selling her soul, and a conversation with Lucy (where I tried to convince her to take a class with me instead of going to church) got me thinking.
And I've decided that I actually sympathize with the devil.
Now, don't freak out. I don't mean I'm suddenly going to wear lots of black and listen to heavy metal. Or that I'm even Satanic, or that I even really believe in the devil. I'm just saying, in the bible and Qur'an and stuff, from what I know of it, the devil seems to have the right idea. For instance, in the Qur'an, that story where Abraham is going to sacrifice his son? Yeah, the devil was the one who was like "uh, don't do that, that's stupid." And honestly, that makes a lot more sense to me than killing your son just because you're having hallucinations telling you to. Nowadays, I'm pretty sure that would be considered schizophrenic.
And wasn't Lucifer originally an angel, God's right-hand guy? One who decided he was sick of taking orders from some random guy? (Well, God, but still.) And he went to hell for that, just for wanting to make his own decisions? Well, "better to reign in Hell then to serve in Heaven", right?
And you know, hell doesn't even sound that bad. It's firey, right? I like fire, lots. It's pretty. And warm.
The whole Adam and Eve thing, well the entire thing just doesn't make sense to me. So God was like, "ok, you can live in this pretty garden, but don't eat the apples!" Except the apples weren't all that bad, really. They gave Adam and Eve knowledge. God was just being all vain by wanting to keep all of that to himself, while Lucifer was apparently the one who was like "No, eat and apple and learn!" Well I don't think sharing knowledge is so bad either. I mean, sure, they could have stayed part of a nudist colony in a garden and spent their entire lives being incredibly stupid, or they could learn things and wear leaves, even if it meant they couldn't look at flowers all day, everyday anymore.
As for selling your soul... well who really needs a soul anyway? In fact, things might be easier if you don't have a conscience, no more feeling guilty about things out of your control.
But you know, I don't even believe in the bible. Sure, I'm sure some of the people actually exsisted, like Jesus, but I don't think he performed all those miracle. And with Moses, there's a perfectly good scientific reason for all those curses and stuff. The part where it's like God made man out of his own likeness? Just bs made up to soothe ginormous human egos. And Eve's supposed little mistake of eating a freaking piece of fruit was a big reason women were surpressed for centuries, right?
Really, Buddhism makes so much more sense than this. ;)
*Note: It's like midnight, and I'm super tired, so I don't really know what I'm saying. And sorry if this like, offends you or something.
- Mood:
haha
