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I hate that people are still hurting, and I can't do anything to make it better. I hate that I don't know what to do or say. I hate that I know I shouldn't push to make everything happy again. I hate that I don't know how to deal with any emotion that's not complete happiness.
I hate that the littlest things remind me of him. I hate that I still haven't been able to say "RIP". I hate that I don't want to let go, in case I start forgetting. I hate that I think I've already started forgetting some things.
I hate that he's gone.
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Nathan Robinson died on March 14, and I still miss him every day. A random phrase or place, or image will make me think of a hundred half-forgotten memories of him. My English teacher was talking about epithet's the other day. It make me think of "epitome". Nate and I used to talk about how "epitome" sounded so much better as epi-tome than as e-pit-o-me.
I had a dream last night, where every single guy I knew was a complete and utter ass. Even Derek had turned awful. (Which I know will never happen, but still.) In my dream, I kept thinking, "Where's Nate? I need him here." He was good. That's the best word to describe him, good.
He used to be one of the first people there, waiting for math class. I always went and talked to him. Now there's nobody, and I realize he's not there every day. There's nobody to make funny faces at me after a test. Ms. Lane told the class his grade on Friday. He had only gotten two points off the entire term. I used to be jealous of how easily it came to him, wished I could be like him. Now I just wish he could be here.
I can't say RIP. He can't really be gone, so he shouldn't be resting. He's vacationing. He's eating bacon, straight from that bacon press he spent 20 min telling me about once, in South Africa, which is why he hasn't communicated, cuz he can't get to a computer.
The worst part is, I'm not even hurting the most. I know people who had known him for so much longer, and so much better. And I want to help them. I want to fix this, wave a magic wand and make it all better. But how do you make something like this better? How do you help other people when you're hurting so badly yourself?
I cried for hours once when I thought I couldn't help one friend. This is so much worse. Because this isn't the only thing. Life goes on, and other people get hurt because of other things. Why does this happen? Why is the world doing awful things like this. I can't believe in God, because I can't believe that any sentient being would allow people to feel this much pain. I know how people look down on utopias as awful, too strict ideals. But, is it so wrong to want everyone to be happy? I just want to take away the pain. I wish I knew how.
- Mood:
indescribable
Honors Math
Honors English
Honors History
Honors Chem
Honors French
Honors Chinese
Photo Minor
PE in Early Childhood
Lifetime
Watch out for the tearful panic attacks next year.
1. Will Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean
2. Edward Cullen from the Twilight series
3. Jacob Black from the Twilight series
4. Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice
5. Paul Slater from the Mediator series
6. Legolas from Lord of the Rings (but only the movie, heh)
7. Fiyero! (I can't believe I forgot him) from Wicked, the musical, and as played by David Burnham, the currant Fiyero on Broadway. ;)
8. Draco Malfoy from... well do I really have to tell you? (I know, I know, he's whiny and annoying, but it's the whole blond thing. *giggle and hair twirl*)
9. Kevin Doyle from 27 Dresses
10. Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind
11. Lucifer from Sachi's as of yet untitled story
12. Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars
13. Robert Chase from House (I'm so upset that the only screen time he gets now is while he's all covered up in surgery!)
14. Mark Sloan from Grey's Anatomy
15. Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl
16. Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
17. Booth from Bones
18. Simba from the Lion King (but only in French)
...and that's all that I can think of right now. But there's probably more.
Oh, and when I don't like actual fictional characters? Yeah, real life crushes are kind of impossible for me too. As in, actually illegal. See, I have this teensy little thing for the student teacher in my art class...
So, let's sum up the list?
5 of them aren't actually human. Including two vampires, a werewolf (though I guess he's human half the time...), an elf, and a lion.
Out of the ones that are human, two of them have supernatural powers. Like, being able to see the dead for instance.
3 aren't from this time period. (Time machine anyone?) Well, 5 if you count the vamps, but I don't.
9 are super arrogant. (Not even going to think about what issues that implies)
2 doctors
Yup, I most definitely have issues.
John Edwards and Guiliani dropped out of the presidential race. So that leaves Romney, McCain, Obama, and Clinton. And then there were four. Oh wait, is Huckabee still in?
On a brighter note, Ginormous Eyebag Guy dropped out of the running for President! (His actual name is Fred Thompson, but I'll always fondly think of him as Ginormous Eyebag Guy.) Seriously though, have you SEEN the bags under his eyes? I don't know how you could miss them...
- Mood:
shocked
Oh sure, if I try, I can get attention. Yeah, people will hear me. But otherwise? I just fade into the background.
I guess a part of it is how much a follow the rules. Ok, sure, I have my littler "rebellions"- not doing my math homework (that doesn't even get checked), cutting class (but only that one useless class last year where they didn't take attendance, and even then it was with the hall pass.) But when it comes to other things, actual important things, I play by the rules. I'm the type of person who colors right up to a line, but doesn't quite cross it. So the result is a seemingly perfectly, effortlessly, colored in picture. I sometimes wonder what would happen if the picture ripped.
So I get good grades. But they're nothing exceptional. How many other people in each class get the same, if not better, grades? So who can really blame the teachers for not noticing me? They're focused on the other kids. The ones who are failing, or are loud and disruptive enough to make the teacher notice.
Sometimes, I wish I had the courage to really do what I want. I'm a freshman in high school, I have options. Right now, my life would basically involve forever working so make the grades I need to get into a "good" college, by my parents' standards. I could do it. I could be That Girl. The one you always see lugging around the giant SAT book.
Or maybe I could be completely social. Maybe, I could be one of those followers, the ones who do everything their friends do. I could end up as the personality-less clone.
Or maybe, I could be the underachiever. Do things my own way. I could spend my time doing things important to me, not other people.
*sigh* But I know what I'll choose. I'll choose to stick to the path I'm on now, because I play by the rules.
- Mood:
melancholy
So Sachi's post about selling her soul, and a conversation with Lucy (where I tried to convince her to take a class with me instead of going to church) got me thinking.
And I've decided that I actually sympathize with the devil.
Now, don't freak out. I don't mean I'm suddenly going to wear lots of black and listen to heavy metal. Or that I'm even Satanic, or that I even really believe in the devil. I'm just saying, in the bible and Qur'an and stuff, from what I know of it, the devil seems to have the right idea. For instance, in the Qur'an, that story where Abraham is going to sacrifice his son? Yeah, the devil was the one who was like "uh, don't do that, that's stupid." And honestly, that makes a lot more sense to me than killing your son just because you're having hallucinations telling you to. Nowadays, I'm pretty sure that would be considered schizophrenic.
And wasn't Lucifer originally an angel, God's right-hand guy? One who decided he was sick of taking orders from some random guy? (Well, God, but still.) And he went to hell for that, just for wanting to make his own decisions? Well, "better to reign in Hell then to serve in Heaven", right?
And you know, hell doesn't even sound that bad. It's firey, right? I like fire, lots. It's pretty. And warm.
The whole Adam and Eve thing, well the entire thing just doesn't make sense to me. So God was like, "ok, you can live in this pretty garden, but don't eat the apples!" Except the apples weren't all that bad, really. They gave Adam and Eve knowledge. God was just being all vain by wanting to keep all of that to himself, while Lucifer was apparently the one who was like "No, eat and apple and learn!" Well I don't think sharing knowledge is so bad either. I mean, sure, they could have stayed part of a nudist colony in a garden and spent their entire lives being incredibly stupid, or they could learn things and wear leaves, even if it meant they couldn't look at flowers all day, everyday anymore.
As for selling your soul... well who really needs a soul anyway? In fact, things might be easier if you don't have a conscience, no more feeling guilty about things out of your control.
But you know, I don't even believe in the bible. Sure, I'm sure some of the people actually exsisted, like Jesus, but I don't think he performed all those miracle. And with Moses, there's a perfectly good scientific reason for all those curses and stuff. The part where it's like God made man out of his own likeness? Just bs made up to soothe ginormous human egos. And Eve's supposed little mistake of eating a freaking piece of fruit was a big reason women were surpressed for centuries, right?
Really, Buddhism makes so much more sense than this. ;)
*Note: It's like midnight, and I'm super tired, so I don't really know what I'm saying. And sorry if this like, offends you or something.
- Mood:
haha
What's wrong with Grey's?
1) George and Izzie. Seriously, their entire relationship makes me want to hurl. Izzie used to be a model. George used to be the best guy friend who was in love with Meredith. But then he goes off and has a whole thing with Callie (which was bad enough, especially when he married her out of nowhere) but then he cheats on Callie with Izzie! Honestly, his best friend Izzie! And then they had the no-chemistry issue, so of course, we had to watch them painfully attempt to have good sex every few episodes. Not fun.
2) Addison and Burke are gone. I really liked Addison, and yeah, I can still see her on Wednesdays in her own show, Private Practice, but that show isn't that great. And Grey's definitely isn't that great without her. Burke really brought out a better side of Christina, he was a really good guy. Now Christina's really not as funny, or nice. And yeah, I know the actor was an asshole, but seriously?
3) Meredith and Derek's dysfunctional relationship. They've broken up twice already in this season. 'Nuff said.
4) The new character's are annoying. Haun's (or however you spell it, I don't like her enough to look it up) whole rejecting-Mark and weird not liking Christina until the end of each episode, then going back to hating her in the next episode is...ugh. Just ugh. And that nurse, Rose, the one making out with Derek? Sure, she seems ok, kinda nice even, but honestly, get your own boyfriend!
Really, we need a return to how it was back in seasons 1 and 2. Or even how it was in the first half of season three (before those three episodes where Meredith nearly died.) Meredith belongs with Derek. Izzie belongs with Alex. Christina belongs with Burke. Addison belongs with Mark (none of that weird Alex stuff in the last few episodes of season 3.) Bailey should still be all hardcore, not the weepy person she is now. And Meredith should actually get some screen time. I mean, hello, the show's NAMED after her! Really, the show should have ended after season 3, with Burke and Christina actually getting married and Meredith and Derek staying together. Cuz this is ridiculous.
- Mood:
annoyed
1. They're all big. Like, really big, and usually in the same area (Roman, Byzantine, Islamic, Persian, Ottoman, etc.)
2. They all had big cities that were super advanced, centers of learning and trade, and had some pretentious name that basically screamed "We're the best city in the world!" (Constantinople- Queen of Cities, Chang'an- Lasting Peace, Cordova- Jewel of the World.)
3. Every history textbook talks about their achievements, saying that the world would be completely lost without each and every one of them.
4. There were different social classes in each empire. Even the ones that were supposed to be completely equal. (Islamic)
5. There were different families of rulers, that switched a lot. (China, Islamic, Roman, etc.)
6. There were always random religious people floating around trying to convince people to convert, until one ruler finally decided to throw them out. (China, Roman, Islamic, Byzantine)
7. They called everyone outside of their empire (or religion) barbarians. (China, Rome, etc, etc.)
8. The so-called barbarians always, always attacked and took over. (Various sackings of Rome, Mongolians and Manchus in China, Turks in Constantinople, Vikings later on.)
You would think people would learn from their mistakes, wouldn't you?
- Mood:
tired
So I was on the NaNo site and there was this idea to do all the things you've always wanted to do this year, in 2008. A sort of new year's resolution thing. I mean, once you've written a 50,000 word novel in a month, you can do anything, right? Take out the Mafia with my yodeling skills? No problem.
So I took out a pen and a blank piece of paper and scribbled a nifty list of challenges for myself. Or, I would have if I could have thought of any. I needed inspiration, and found it on the NaNo forums (fora?). And this is what I came up with: (I know it's a little late, but better late than never, right?)
1) I'm going to stop procrastinating. No, really, I will. Well, after today I mean.
2) Along with the stop procrastinating thing, I will sleep before 11 pm on weekdays. (Oh, wait, oops well I guess today is down the drain...)
3) I'm going to update this thing regularly. Because I know my (two or less) readers just wait in breathless anticipation for my next post. Right? ;)
3) I'm going to finish reading Gone With the Wind (about time, after writing an entire essay on it in seventh grade without having read more than 200 pages,) and all of Jane Austen's books, not including Pride and Prejudice, which I've already read a few times. (And if anyone happens to know anybody like Darcy, want to introduce me? =P)
4) I'm going to do the Walk for Hunger. So I can help hungry people. (Though I've never walked more than five miles a day in my life, I'm not sure how I'll do with 20.)
5) I'm going to get a summer job, preferably at a day camp so I won't have to go through the whole messy quitting thing once the summer's over.
6) I'm going to edit my NaNo. Which means actually going back to read it. *cringe*
7) I'm going to knit a hat. A good one that fits my head. And doesn't look like something a car ran over a few times.
8) I'm going to get a pen pal. Which I've already done! Twice! So that's one challenge done. *crosses of mental list*
9) Last but definitely not least, I'm going to learn Japanese. Well, conversational Japanese. To the point where I can talk to my parents a little in Japanese and understand this Japanese drama a watched last year.
These are all do-able, right? Totally.
- Mood:
optimistic
For instance, Jared doesn't seem to understand why girls need to actually try on bras before buying them. I tried explaining this; I spent 10 minutes trying to explain it, enduring the stares of other people in Victoria's Secret. I told him how it isn't exactly fun to have underwires poking out or awkwardly shaped breasts. Stupid guys and their flat chests!
I also bought stuff from Bath and Body Works. Which smell really good, which makes me happy. =)
- Mood: happy
So how has my break been? Well Saturday was lots of fun. As I mentioned before, I bought lotsa books. Which always makes me happy. =) Saturday night I went to a holiday party, which mainly consisted of dares and that table thingy that's like soccer. You know, the one where you spin the sticks around to get the little plastic guys to kick the little plastic ball? Oh, and Jared took a lot of awkward pictures. Which I wake up to find on Facebook the next morning. Including the one where my bra is easily visible. Anybody know of any poisons that don't leave traces?
I woke up at 11 on Monday, stumbled out of bed, and decided having lunch would make more sense than having breakfast by that point. So I made macroni and cheese. I like macaroni and cheese. It's comforting. And yummy. Honestly, I don't get why restaurants only have macaroni and cheese on the kid's menu! I was the latest episode of Gossip Girl online, which was good but the ending made me sad. And not seeing Chuck OR Nate made me sadder. By then, it was around 1:30 so I went and took a shower and Rebecca came over around 2:00. We had a mini old movie marathon, watching the second half of Gone With the Wind (one of my all time favorite movies, which we had started over a year ago, then stopped in the middle because it just got too depressing so we watched a bad Julia Roberts chick flick instead) and Casablanca (which I hadn't seen before.) Gone With the Wind was ah-mazing, as always, though I realized yesterday that it was really overly dramatic. But you gotta love Rhett. We spend most of the movie bitching about how stupid and assholeish Ashley was. (And ugh, his EYES bothered me so much! They were like... droopy puppy dogish. Ick.) Casablanca was absolutely amazing and hilarious. So much fun to hear all these really famous lines in it. ("We'll always have Paris." "Of all the gin places in all the world, she walks into mine." "I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship." to name a few.) *sigh* We need more guys like Rhett and Rick in the world. Or just at North, really. ;)
Then at 11 that night, I suddenly decided I wanted to make an apple pie. And my dad let me. So I stayed up baking until midnight, then read for a bit before going to sleep.
So mini-rant here:
Ok, you know those girls who are ALL OVER guys? Seriously, I just want to douse them with icy water and be like "Ok, honey, he ain't gonna like you if you keep acting like a trashy whore." It's like, he didn't show interest in you before, what makes you think he will now that you're trying to smother him in your (nonexsistent) chest? Your pathetic attempts at "flirting" aren't working, and it's just nauseating. Honestly, take your little desperate act somewhere else. Nobody else needs to see it. And another tip? Don't make up a relationship between the two of you. Making out with him once in a closet during a game of Truth or Dare does NOT make you his girlfriend. And if her doesn't give you the time of day afterwards, it does NOT mean you're exes. You actually have to have been GOING OUT to be exes! And no, I'm not saying this because I like him. I think he's a bit of an asshole who can't take things seriously. But watching you run after him makes me want to put you out of your misery. Or him. Or me. So please, stop your little desperate thing. Stop throwing yourself at every guy you see. (Yes, I'm referring to that little incident with another guy with absolutely no interest that could probably be considered a minor form of sexual assualt.)
I know, I'm so cheery. ;)
- Mood:
nauseated - Music:Knock 'Em Out- Lilly Allen
I just got back from the New England Mobile Book Fair. Which, for those of you who don't know, is this awesome independent bookstore with rows and rows of shelves reaching the ceiling on which all of the books are organized by publisher. Yup, the publisher, not the author or even the title! So it's really hard to find books there unless you look up each book's publisher on Amazon before going. But the place is still really nice. It's all wood shelves and slightly disorganized, the type of place where all of the signs are written in black sharpie, not typed. And it has this smell that just makes me think of like... books. Anyways, the point is, while Borders is still probably my favorite bookstore (but only because they have movies and other stuff there too), I still totally love the New England Mobile Book Fair too.
And what did I get there?
1. Big Boned, the third book in Meg Cabot's Heather Wells series. Totally awesome series, and I'm super excited to read it!
2. Darkest Hour, another Meg book, this time from the Mediator series. It's the only one I haven't read yet.
3. A Great and Terrible Beauty, ah-mazing book that I heard on audiotape about a year ago, and I decided to actually read it.
4. Rebel Angels, sequel to A Great and Terrible Beauty, which I've already read, but always fun to reread.
5. Devilish, interesting looking book by the same author as Thirteen Little Blue Envelopes, which was a really good book.
So those count as Christmas gifts from my dad, cuz that was easier than him trying to guess what I would like. (Last time that happened, he ended up getting me this timeline of world history. It gave me a headache and was way too long, so I haven't looked at it since I got it.)
Oh, and he bought The Daring Book for Girls for my sister. She needs to read something besides Pony Pals or whatever.
- Mood: cheerful
So apparently, Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. As in, Britney's little 16-year-old sister. And according to one article, Jamie said it was totally unexpected. Well, god I hope it was unexpected! Who plans to have a kid at 16? Seriously, that entire family is just so messed up.
I've recently gotten hooked on Veronica Mars, the show. It's cancelled now, but I've been watching them online. And I'm completely and totally addicted. Seriously, at the moment, Veronica is right up there next to Holly Golightly as one of my favorite ah-mazing female characters. That, and I think I'm in love with both Duncan and Logan. But mostly Logan. You know, I really should get help for this fictional characters thing...
So I was flipping through the newspaper this afternoon (an actual news part too, not just the comics!) and saw this article about the UN and the death penalty. They want to do this thing were it would make it immoral and frowned upon for countries to continue using the death penalty. It said that awhile ago, they tried to pass a resolution on it but, surprise suprise, the US, China, and Iran shot it down. I bet Norway didn't, because it's just so cool like that. Heh.
I've been pretty busy the last few days, with the teachers trying to cram everything in before the break. Right now though, things seemed to have slowed down a bit. I've already gotten the huge history test (on Judaism, Christianity, a little bit of Rome, Fall of Rome, Bzyntine Empire, and the Middle Ages), the French project, and the French quiz out of the way. No homework tonight, and after the math quiz on Friday, I'm done! I fully intend to spend at least the first few days of the break just sleeping. And maybe watching more Veronica Mars. Toodles until then!
- Mood: complacent
